


Get Up (While You Can)

by Syn (AShadowsKiss)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-10-09 09:05:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10408710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AShadowsKiss/pseuds/Syn
Summary: Bucky is back. Bucky is here. Bucky thinks of Steve as violence and death and pain. Bucky avoids him and. Steve is fine.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Вставай (пока можешь)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13350273) by [Saysly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saysly/pseuds/Saysly)



> Warning: I did not know what to tag this as so I stuck to the bare bones of it. If y'all know any tags that would be suited or are really needed please let me know so I'll add them. 
> 
> This is my first Captain America fic, I hope I did them justice and I hope you like it.
> 
> Title taken from My Chemical Romance's "I Don't Love You".

They don't talk about it.

There is nothing to talk about.

Bucky is back and that's all that matters. Bucky is here and everything is fine.

Steve is selfish, this is nothing new. Steve misses Bucky, this is also nothing new.

Steve doesn't really have the right to miss Bucky anymore. Bucky is after all right here. Bucky is sitting in the kitchen and everything is fine. Bucky sleeps on a mattress instead of couch cushions on a bed instead of the floor in a bedroom instead of the living room in Stark Tower instead of a shitty apartment and Bucky is fine. So, Steve is fine. Because Bucky is. Bucky is happy with his mattress and his bed and his bedroom. All of which are two whole floors removed from Steve's. 

Bucky is back. And Steve is fine. 

Steve tries not to notice that Bucky is avoiding him. It's a lot harder than it sounds like. For all his training, Bucky can be as subtle as brick to the face when he wants to be.

Whenever Steve enters a room, Bucky leaves. Whenever Steve leaves a room, Bucky enters.

If Steve speaks, Bucky is quiet. If Steve is quiet, Bucky speaks.

Steve walks in on Natasha kissing Bucky in the hallway once. 

Natasha is leaving, they're talking in rapid-fire Russian that no one bar JARVIS understands, and she kisses him on the temple. Kisses him on his hairline, the same place Steve cleaned with antiseptic so many times because for all the complaining Bucky did about Steve getting into fights he sure as shit kept getting into them himself too. The same place Steve repeatedly warned Bucky for had an excess of brylcreem which was a lie and an excuse to step closer to Bucky and kiss him before he left.

They don't notice him, Steve leaves.

Bucky is back and Bucky is here and he might be avoiding Steve and his bedroom might be two floors removed from Steve and everything. Is fine.

Steve misses Bucky. Steve misses Bucky the same way he did when it was 1942 and Bucky was fighting for his life and Steve was a dancing monkey. Steve misses Bucky in a way he's not supposed to miss Bucky because he's making Bucky's pain all about him and that's not okay because Steve is fine. Steve is always fine. Steve didn't fall of the train. Steve wasn't brainwashed. Steve wasn't used as a master assassin for over seventy years and Steve is fine. Steve is just. Steve is just selfish.

Having seen Natasha kiss Bucky, it's hard not to notice others are allowed to touch Bucky.

Natasha is allowed to kiss him. Clint is allowed to punch him in the shoulder. Tony is allowed to fiddle with his left arm. Bruce is allowed to place a gentle hand on Bucky's arm. Sam is allowed to poke him in the thigh. All their touches are easy and effortless. They don't seem to think about it, don't telegraph their movements.

When Steve tries to touch Bucky flinches. Bucky moves away. Bucky looks at him like he's waiting for a punishment that Steve is not prepared or willing to deal out. 

Bucky looks at Steve and sees death. Steve looks at Bucky and sees life.

Steve is selfish, this is nothing new. Bucky doesn't miss Steve, this is new.

Steve knows there's a relatively easy solution to this problem. Steve will admit that it's not one he likes. But it's for Bucky and it's simple and quick and fine. Everything is fine. 

Bucky likes Natasha. Bucky likes Clint. Bucky likes Tony and Bruce and Sam and Thor and JARVIS. Bucky doesn't like Steve. So, Steve should just. Steve should go. 

Because it's Bucky. And Bucky should be happy. And Steve's presence is making Bucky unhappy.

Steve walks in on Natasha kissing Bucky twice more.

Once in the kitchen, where Bucky hands her a cup of coffee prepared just the way she likes it and she presses a kiss to his cheek. She presses a kiss to his cheek on the exact spot where a dimple would appear whenever Bucky smiled at Steve before ruffling his hair and calling him punk. The exact spot Steve remembers kissing so many mornings in attempt to lure that dimple out. He wonders if she knows.

Once in the living room, where Bucky is sprawled out over the couch clearly exhausted and she throws a pillow at his head and pulls a blanket over his legs and Bucky brushes his fingers over her arm in thanks and she grabs his hand and kisses his knuckles. She kisses the knuckles of his left hand and it's the one place of Bucky's body that Steve has never touched with anything other than violence. He wonders if she knows.

Steve remembers every word Bucky has ever whispered in his ears. Steve remembers every promise they made each other. Steve remembers every dream they shared. Steve remembers every touch, every kiss, every brush of skin on skin contact. Steve remembers all their secrets.

Bucky remembers reaching for a hand that didn't catch him. Bucky remembers catching the shield in his left hand and feeling the vibrations in his knees. Bucky remembers fighting on a rooftop, on a bridge, on a Helicarrier. Bucky remembers nothing but pain from Steve.

Bucky is back. Bucky is here. Bucky thinks of Steve as violence and death and pain. Bucky won't let him near, Bucky avoids him and Steve. Steve is fine.

Steve makes the decision to go back to Brooklyn and it's an easy one. Steve remembers Brooklyn, Steve misses Brooklyn. There might be a memory on every street corner but at least they will be happy ones, Steve is pretty sure. Not that it would matter if they're not. Because Steve is fine. 

It might be weird to walk past an alley and remember the time he got beat up in there, remember how Bucky inevitably showed up and finished what Steve started. It might be weird to walk past an apartment building and remember that there used to be a dancehall somewhere near there, a dancehall Bucky used to frequent, where Steve could stare at Bucky dancing for hours and as long as there was a drink in his hand and a girl on Bucky's arm no one would care.

Steve doesn't make it a secret that he's leaving. He packs his bag and leaves it in the hallway when Tony comes flying through the window to warn them that there's trouble coming. The Avengers are to assemble and fight crime. 

Steve worries for a minute. Because Brooklyn is a lot further for Tony to fly in case of emergency than the ten floors he just flew. Will they be able to reach Steve if they need him? But who is to say they'll need him anyway? How many super soldiers can one team need?

Because Bucky is here now.

Bucky is a sergeant and he earned his rank. Bucky was a sharpshooting sniper before he fell. Bucky might not have done so willingly but he worked as a master assassin for seventy years and he retained his skills. Bucky sneaks in and out of buildings like it's nothing. Bucky understands technology and doesn't need someone to take over computer related problems for him. Bucky is fluent in six languages, including sign language. Bucky dishes out orders without words and vague movements that need Natasha or Sam to translate. He looks and points and it takes no time to interpret and understand him. Bucky leads the team better than Steve ever could. 

Tony has never listened to an order in his life, he certainly didn't listen to Steve. But he listens to Bucky. 

Bruce's Big Guy ignores all rational thought or argument. But he obeys Bucky.

Thor is a king and a god. But he bows for Bucky. 

The mission Tony takes them on is an easy one. It's not aliens, for once. It's not HYDRA either. It's a science experiment gone wrong, sentient blobs of half disintegrated garbage are crawling out of the New York sewers and latching onto the ankles of passer-by's. They're harmless, if rather insistent. They cling to whoever grabs their attention and won't let go until they're dead. 

Steve can relate.

Bucky keeps a block between them the whole time. 

Bucky is back. Bucky is here. Bucky avoids and fears and hates Steve. Bucky knows Steve's nothing and Steve. Steve is fine.

Steve had been planning on leaving for Brooklyn the moment they got home but Bruce sees him struggling in the hallway before he manages to get his bag on his shoulders. Steve broke his arm in two places after fumbling a catch of his shield. Bruce insists to keep an eye on it and forbids him to fight when Clint tells them about a behemoth outside. 

Steve watches the news and sees Bucky fight. He has a gun in his left hand and the shield in his right.

Steve almost expects him to fall.

Steve stays for three more days, his bag sits quietly in the hallway. 

They don't notice. 

It's fine.

Steve leaves on a Thursday morning. Steve thanks JARVIS, turns on the coffee machine before he goes because it's early still but Bucky will be up in less than half an hour and he's always relied on Steve to supply him with coffee, and leaves.

Bucky is back. 

Steve finds a small one room apartment in a shitty building half a block away from where he grew up.

Bucky is here.

Steve makes a bed from old couch cushions he found in the trash and ratty blankets, if he curls up tight and closes his eyes it's almost 1937 again.

Steve is fine.

Bucky finds the shield and the uniform on Steve's bed when he's been gone for a month.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it, feel free to come say hi to me on tumblr! [synfulwondering](http://synfulwondering.tumblr.com)


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